I am responsible for my own suffering…damn that’s hard for this wanna be victim. I’ve been doing allot of work on myself personally over the last year, really getting in touch with the little one inside of me who has felt like a victim to her circumstances. So much healing has gone on deep inside of me and I’m enjoying a
new place of freedom with less judgment of myself, less need for perfection and a greater understanding of who I am and what I was put on this earth to do.
All of that sounds really good right? It really is and I wallow in it until…the shit (Suffering) hits the fan and all of it starts coming up to the surface once again. Interestingly, as if out of nowhere, I get triggered and caught up in one of my past stories – this one of believing I’m being told that my opinion doesn’t count.
Today, I am struggling as I am traveling, out of my comfort zone and after an emotional week of “unearthing” perceived wounds from my childhood with my parents here in Florida (more on those experiences in another post.) I am attempting to vacation, while doing loads of homework for my Masters program and while staying with a dear friend and our daughters, finding myself feeling as though the TIME I need for myself and this workload is NOT OK to ask for. This, for me, is a repeated pattern of people pleasing, pushing down my feelings, and being afraid of confrontation and being afraid that I will say something hurtful out of my own pain and insecurities. As I sit here, I ask myself what this is all about and the same story comes up once again. I am a glutton for punishment so I choose to hang around people who have stronger personalities so that when I perceive them as stifling me, I will have someone other than myself to blame, when in truth, I have no one to blame but myself. Asking for what I want and knowing I deserve to have a voice are areas where I have lots of opportunity for healing!
As I sit here catastrophizing in my head, I recognize the need to drop into my heart and get connected to where the pain is in my body so I can see this monster for what it truly is and I can figure out a way to tame the beast. So I ask myself, “What is coming up for me, where is my pain?” As I locate it in my chest and feel the tightness in my throat, I realize I am feeling stifled, feeling unimportant, feeling that I do not deserve to have a voice. I look at my perceived adversary and I see someone with a strong personality, who takes what she wants, is making self-honoring choices of doing what works for her and I’m feeling less than and feeling that what I want doesn’t count. So, I ask myself “Is the other person to blame or do I need to take personal responsibility for my hearts desires and ask for what I want?” Well, of course, the answer is the latter.
This has been a hard day, this has been a hard issue to look at and hardest of all is in the realization that I cannot blame someone else for how I am feeling (but it sure would be easier or would it?) These patterns of sacrificing my peace and joy for others are difficult to change but I am grateful today for this experience because from here, there is lots of room for growth. Growth can be hard but oh so healing. Looking at my patterns and how I show up isn’t always pretty but the more time I spend in this space, the better I get at it and the more freedom from victimhood I can experience. As painful as growth can be, I am learning to embrace it, welcome it and allow the pain to pass through because the rewards on the other side provide lasting healing for sure.
As I sit here owning my stuff, I feel a great sense of peace, the chest pain and throat closure are gone (it is a day later too which helps – taking time to cool down and connect with my heart is crucial) and I am feeling better equipped to handle this the next time it shows up. I offer you this: the next time you find yourself saying “I’m upset because…” and the rest of the line is about someone else doing something to you, I encourage you sit with it, ask yourself what your part is in the issue, and own it. Remember, if you quietly listen, you will get better at connecting to your heart and can find solitude in knowing that you have all of the answers inside of you to work through the issue. With time, you will find you don’t need to look outside yourself for the answers and you may even save yourself some money by avoiding the therapist next time one of these feelings show up!
Blogging about my self-healing and learnings along with posting it publicly are a part of my homework. I’m grateful to God for putting the right people in my path exactly when I need them and for giving me the tools to recognize and own my own stuff!
Wishing you growth and peace on this beautifully yet sometimes exhausting journey called life! There is so much healing and love available to us all when we take personal responsibility in owning our judgments and the realization that our thoughts and beliefs are causing most of our suffering.